This week has been difficult to say the least. My wife’s Crohn’s flare up doesn’t seem to be getting any better, and the 43 doctors we are seeing haven’t been terribly helpful. Every time she returns from the doctor she has a list of new ailments and test results showing that her body is functioning about as well as the Mir space station.
Do you have any idea what it feels like to look at your wife and wonder how much longer she’s going to live? Or trying to picture your life without her? I know rationally that people seldom die from this, but the test results have me shaken. She sleeps a lot more now, and when she’s awake, she’s worried.
This particular malady has no known cause and no cure. It’s one of those times when I find myself saying, “God… what in the world are you doing? This isn’t fair.” My wife has wounds from her past that she is still dealing with and now, we find out she has a chronic illness that has the medical community scratching their collective heads. From my limited perspective on this clod of dirt, that just doesn’t seem right. I’m crying foul and hoping for a miracle. I have made my request known to God. I know He has heard my cry, but I have no indication He’s planning to take immediate action.
In short, life sucks right now. I’m confused, restless, angry, tired and anxious. I have no doubt God has a plan, but I’m growing so weary of waiting to find out what it is. I long for what’s next. I’m dying for hope right now. I don’t have any answers. All I have is questions.
I’m OK with that. I’m having to let go of some of my issues. I don’t always have to have an answer, and there are some places in life where I won’t be in control. Times like this make me realize that and they cause me to look beyond myself. So, that’s where I am right now. It’s not pleasant and I can’t exactly say life is fun right now. For now, I’ll be reading a lot of Psalms, asking a lot of questions and drawing closer to my Creator.
