real.faith blog

For those of you who can’t tell from previous posts or who are just tuning in, it’s time to let the cat out of the bag. Uncle Luther is a Presbyterian. However, that doesn’t mean he’s going to go soft on his own people. Ready? Here goes nothin’…

You might be a Presbyterian if…

1. Your pastor is currently on part 23 of a 12 part series.
2. You have made Jesus lord of your life, but you’re still holding on to your wallet with all your might.
3. You’ve ever caught yourself praying in the name of Calvin.
4. You believe God has predestined the elect to eternal life, but have a strong desire to witness to people on airplanes.
5. You refer to The Westminster Confession as “The Newer Testament.”
6. When asked for advice you’ve ever responded by saying: “Deal with it.”
7. Everywhere you look you see evidence of depravity.
8. You think “Matthew 18” is an entire chapter devoted to church discipline and conflict resolution.
9. You know what the “Doctrines of Grace” are.
10. You prefer tulips to daisies.
11. You understood #10.
12. When confronted with someone’s pain, your first thought is about God’s role in suffering instead of what you can do to help.
13. You have ever tried to convert other Christians to Calvinism.
14. You thank God daily for the ESV Bible translation.

My wife was a Southern Baptist when we were dating. We taught Sunday School together in a Southern Baptist Church where I was grudgingly a member, but I  never fully bought into the theology. I’m a little nervous about this one because of the size of this particular denomination. I wouldn’t want to risk alienating a majority of my readers. But… it has to be said, so here goes…

You might be a Southern Baptist if…

1. When someone refers to the fathers of the Christian faith you immediately think of Charles Stanley and Billy Graham.
2. You’re reasonably certain all Catholics are going to Hell.
3. The altar call at the end of the sermon lasts longer than the sermon itself.
4. Your lunch is frequently held up by “one last sinner” at church.
5. Your typical tip at a restaurant consists of a 99 cent tract, a stick of mint chewing gum and the 72 cents you had in your pocket.
6. Everyone else is wrong.
7. Your rebuttal when challenged by another Christian is, “That’s not what My Bible says.”
8. The body and the blood are secondary. It is all about the water, the method of Baptism and whether or not babies should be baptized.
9. Your entire statement of faith could be summarized by simply saying, “We’re not Catholic and we baptize by immersion.”
10. You’ve ever referred to a dance as a “foot function.”
11. You think Jesus’ first miracle was when he turned water into grape juice.
12. The doors of your church are locked more often than they are open.
13. You make it a point to pray before any meal at a restaurant—and do so until the food is cold.
14. You send all your money and resources to support foreign missions, but the homeless five miles from the church remain unfed.
15. You are pro-life, but there is never a war you don’t support.

I was raised in a Methodist church. I haven’t forgotten who brung me to the dance, but I also haven’t forgotten the laugh riot that is the UMC. Ready… Get set…

You might be a Methodist if… (Go!)

1. The building fund is more important than the tithe.
2. You believe Jesus saves people from their sins— you just aren’t sure everyone has sin and needs saving.
3. You believe women can and should be ordained— but you don’t want to ordain them.
4. No one in the congregation actually knows what the denomination as a whole believes.
5. Your church has to have a traditional and contemporary service, otherwise World War III will break out over the music used during worship.
6. You have been in the same church all your life but have gone through 27 new pastors.
7. You have never been a Catholic, yet carry around the same amount of guilt.
8. A committee meeting is required to determine whether or not to repair a broken window in the sanctuary.
9. You can somehow make every situation in life relate to grace in some way.
10. You’ve ever wondered why “Blessed Assurance” is in your hymnal.
11. The majority of your congregation consists of Baptists who are only Methodists because they don’t want to be called Baptists.
12. You actually know the pledge to the Christian flag and the pledge to the Bible.
13. You think a new slogan covers a multitude of sins.
14. Your church has ever canceled Sunday evening services due to the Super Bowl.

This blog is the first in a series of satirical lists about different Christian denominations. There are too many denominations for me to get to all of them, but I do at least intend to hit the ones I’ve had some experience with. This is an exercise in laughing at ourselves folks. Don’t feel unfairly picked on by any of these lists. I fully intend to pick on everyone fairly. Let’s start though with one of the most quirky denominations in all of Christendom, the Independent Fundamental Baptists.

I once dated an Independent Fundamental Baptist and at the time was convinced that these were the best churches in the country. A little bit of church shopping at a handful of these small, close-knit operations taught me a few things I didn’t know and a whole lot of things I didn’t care to hear anymore about. I’m glad I didn’t join up, but sometimes I do think about wandering in for a good laugh.

And now… You might be an Independent Fundamental Baptist if…

1. You have ever used the phrase “Get right with God.”
2. You believe that Jesus spoke Aramaic and the Bible was written in Hebrew and Greek— but the 1611 King James Version is the only inspired Word of God.
3. Evangelism consists of tracts, bus visits and a “magic prayer.”
4. You believe women deserve second-class treatment in the church because Eve “started it” by eating the forbidden fruit.
5. You treat everyone outside the church as a “pagan” or “heathen,” unless, of course, you can win a free steak dinner by inviting them to church.
6. You believe masculinity is defined not by a man’s leadership in the home or his faithfulness to God—instead it is a simple question or whether or not he urinates standing up.
7. Most of your church music resembles a either a barbershop quartet or old drinking songs.
8. You can take prophecies from Jeremiah regarding Israel that have already been fulfilled and apply them to the United States.
9. You just can’t for the life of you understand why God would choose such a nasty process for human reproduction.
10. The thought of people burning in Hell makes you smile because you feel they are getting what they deserve.
11. You’re not sure if liberals can really be Christians. In fact, you secretly hope they can’t.
12. You have memorized the book of Leviticus.

Who’s next? So many denominations, so little time…