real.faith blog

If your week is shaping up at all like mine, you might need to kick back a little and watch this little comedy clip. I promise I’m not trying to make a point with this one. I saw it two weeks ago and it has brought me numerous laughs.

For the uninitiated, (which I was when I first saw this) “the Beeb” is apparently the nickname the British have given the BBC.

…or are we just full of it? I don’t feel like writing an actual blog tonight, so just enjoy this hilarious bit of comic relief.

Let’s take a brief and scary look at the worldview espoused by many of our southern “brethren” in the Lord…

• “Damn scientists teachin’ all that evolution crap. They don’t know nothin’.”
• “Damn journalists. They’re just all puppets of the liberal media. They’re just ignorant.”
• “Damn doctors. Who needs their voodoo medicine. God made natural herbs and treatments. We don’t need medication. We have prayer and if you have enough faith, you’ll be healed miraculously.”
• “Damn college professors. They don’t know nothin’ despite all their purty little degrees they got on that there wall.”
• “Damn politicians. They wouldn’t know how to run a government if King David himself came and taught ‘em how to. All they want to do is raise our taxes, steal our guns and keep us from buyin’ Jordan Rubin’s latest miracle remedy. What they need to focus on is Sunday alcohol sales. It’s an abomination, I tell ya.
• Now, that Pastor Billy-Bob fella out there at First Righteous Church, he’s got it together. He really knows his stuff. If Pastor Billy-Bob ran for president, he’d have my vote. Granted, he has no political experience and he didn’t go to no fancy seminary, but gulldarnit, God called him and he answered.”

Do you know someone who is?

Lord Jay-sus,

We thank you for our guns,
for this big bucket of KFC,
for the new Wal-Mart that opened up over yonder,
and for the liquor store we runned outta town.

We rejoice that you have brought the Swine Flu
as judgment on the illegal immigrants who are stealing all our jobs.

We thank you for Sarah Palin, the next president of this great land.
We thank you for dying on the cross so that we could live in this country.
We ask for your condemnation on all those wretched sinners.
Please help us protect ourselves against our enemies.
Amen.

…and Jesus wept.

• Walk around the sanctuary with a microphone, spot unfamiliar faces and ask, “And you sir, why do you only attend church on Christmas and Easter?”
• Have an invitation at the end, but keep holding out for “one last sinner” until the nice restaurants have stopped serving brunch.
• Announce that we are going to continue our yearly tradition of crucifying one attendee. “We’ve been successful at raising them from the dead all but twice. Any volunteers?”
• Deliver the entire sermon in a bunny costume for no apparent reason.
• Throw the offering money back, angrily denouncing it as “blood money.”
• Refuse to begin preaching until the Holy Spirit shows up either as a dove or as tongues of fire.
• “Ladies and gentlemen, our Sunday school teachers have hyped your kids up on sugar. They’re outside paving the parking lot and will be released to you very shortly. Now you’ll know how their teachers feel the Monday after Easter.”
• Have an Easter egg hunt in the middle of the service.
• Lock all the restroom doors in the church and inform the congregation that the church is under budget and we would appreciate their help watering the lawn.
• When a parent is unable to control their small child, accidentally let it slip that the Easter Bunny isn’t real.