real.faith blog

My wife was a Southern Baptist when we were dating. We taught Sunday School together in a Southern Baptist Church where I was grudgingly a member, but I  never fully bought into the theology. I’m a little nervous about this one because of the size of this particular denomination. I wouldn’t want to risk alienating a majority of my readers. But… it has to be said, so here goes…

You might be a Southern Baptist if…

1. When someone refers to the fathers of the Christian faith you immediately think of Charles Stanley and Billy Graham.
2. You’re reasonably certain all Catholics are going to Hell.
3. The altar call at the end of the sermon lasts longer than the sermon itself.
4. Your lunch is frequently held up by “one last sinner” at church.
5. Your typical tip at a restaurant consists of a 99 cent tract, a stick of mint chewing gum and the 72 cents you had in your pocket.
6. Everyone else is wrong.
7. Your rebuttal when challenged by another Christian is, “That’s not what My Bible says.”
8. The body and the blood are secondary. It is all about the water, the method of Baptism and whether or not babies should be baptized.
9. Your entire statement of faith could be summarized by simply saying, “We’re not Catholic and we baptize by immersion.”
10. You’ve ever referred to a dance as a “foot function.”
11. You think Jesus’ first miracle was when he turned water into grape juice.
12. The doors of your church are locked more often than they are open.
13. You make it a point to pray before any meal at a restaurant—and do so until the food is cold.
14. You send all your money and resources to support foreign missions, but the homeless five miles from the church remain unfed.
15. You are pro-life, but there is never a war you don’t support.

This blog is the first in a series of satirical lists about different Christian denominations. There are too many denominations for me to get to all of them, but I do at least intend to hit the ones I’ve had some experience with. This is an exercise in laughing at ourselves folks. Don’t feel unfairly picked on by any of these lists. I fully intend to pick on everyone fairly. Let’s start though with one of the most quirky denominations in all of Christendom, the Independent Fundamental Baptists.

I once dated an Independent Fundamental Baptist and at the time was convinced that these were the best churches in the country. A little bit of church shopping at a handful of these small, close-knit operations taught me a few things I didn’t know and a whole lot of things I didn’t care to hear anymore about. I’m glad I didn’t join up, but sometimes I do think about wandering in for a good laugh.

And now… You might be an Independent Fundamental Baptist if…

1. You have ever used the phrase “Get right with God.”
2. You believe that Jesus spoke Aramaic and the Bible was written in Hebrew and Greek— but the 1611 King James Version is the only inspired Word of God.
3. Evangelism consists of tracts, bus visits and a “magic prayer.”
4. You believe women deserve second-class treatment in the church because Eve “started it” by eating the forbidden fruit.
5. You treat everyone outside the church as a “pagan” or “heathen,” unless, of course, you can win a free steak dinner by inviting them to church.
6. You believe masculinity is defined not by a man’s leadership in the home or his faithfulness to God—instead it is a simple question or whether or not he urinates standing up.
7. Most of your church music resembles a either a barbershop quartet or old drinking songs.
8. You can take prophecies from Jeremiah regarding Israel that have already been fulfilled and apply them to the United States.
9. You just can’t for the life of you understand why God would choose such a nasty process for human reproduction.
10. The thought of people burning in Hell makes you smile because you feel they are getting what they deserve.
11. You’re not sure if liberals can really be Christians. In fact, you secretly hope they can’t.
12. You have memorized the book of Leviticus.

Who’s next? So many denominations, so little time…