It’s been about a week since my last post, so let me fill you in briefly on where I am right now. Last week it became obvious that my wife’s Crohn’s Disease is going to prevent her from returning to full-time teaching. If the complete lack of energy doesn’t stop her, the immuno- suppressants the doctor is recommending will.
So… my wife has quit her job and mine doesn’t pay nearly enough to afford all of the medical bills. Right now we’re more than a little scared. It feels like we’re standing paralyzed at the edge of a cliff deciding whether or not to jump or be pushed.
Do we have faith? Surprisingly yes. We both know God led us here, and did so for a reason. Obviously there is something to be gained from this precarious place.
And hope? This is fleeting. The whole situation seems so hopeless, but from time to time, one or both of us will manage to look on the bright side. Mostly, we feel numb.
We’re right in the middle of something that is likely to forever shape us and we have no idea what it is or what is to come. It’s one thing to tell someone to “hold on to Jesus” or to “have faith.” It is another thing to actually live it out day to day, to go from holding to clinging because otherwise you know you will fall and fall hard, or to have faith simply because it is all you have left.
I’m learning over and over that when I have nothing left and feel at the end of my rope, I stand face to face with Jesus. He’s all that’s left when my struggles have overcome me. There’s a certain amount of freedom there, because I know I don’t have to fight the battle alone and that it isn’t my battle to fight. Of course, that doesn’t mean I will walk away without my fair share of bumps, bruises and deep gashes.
